Redneck Rocket Launcher

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MySpace is the best place

Sunday, July 30, 2006 (SF Chronicle)

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES/How I became a MySpace hottie

Lisa Hix, Special to The Chronicle

Oh, there are so many ways to amuse yourself on MySpace.

oh yes, there is.

Then it happened. By some miracle of God, I took a great picture.

Angles, baby, all angles.

This had to be honored in the halls of MySpace. You know, for all my
exes to cry about.

It wasn't long before they came poking around. And by they, I mean the girl collectors, the guys who build their self-esteem based on how many
porn chicks they can "friend" and put in their "Top 8." Yes, this ridiculous site lets you rank your eight, or 16, best friends on the Internet. Or your favorite "ho's."

The porn industry has found quite an advertising tool in MySpace, through soft-porn fembots who spit out hourly ads to real porn sites. Of course, some girls just post trashy pictures.

This girl-collector attention is all very funny to me. I am pale and freckled and bespectacled and flat-chested. Even in my "hot" pictures I do not look like a porn chick or resemble a fembot. I look like Daphne and Velma rolled up into one.
What's even funnier is that my new paramours don't read my profile.

If they did, for one, they would know that I am an editor, and very much in love with grammar rules and clever turns of phrase. I wouldn't get so many anti-grammatical text-message-style come-ons. "wazzup cutie. u r hott.hollatchaboi!" It's 50 variations on the same theme. Some of these Romeos are 18, and some are close to 40, and I don't know which is more disturbing: bad spellers close to or far from high school.

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